Worth the Wait

It's hard to explain my life since 2014 began. I think, at first I was on a high from a pretty good end to 2013. But then....

In March, my mom was diagnosed with brain cancer. In April, my dad passed away. In May, mom got to come home from the care center, on hospice, for a month before she passed away. I was in the room with both of them passed away, just two months apart. Those two months seemed like an eternity to me. We knew that mom only had a limited time, but we didn't know what that limit was, so every day was a waiting game, grateful to still have her, but also knowing that it was just one more day in the waiting game. That might sound harsh...but it's the truth. 

In the midst of everything, my mom had suffered a stroke that paralyzed her left side and made her a different person. She was still my mom, but she wasn't the mom I had known for 27 years. She was different. So that was hard. 

At my dad's funeral, my brother gave me my dad's watch, which I have worn pretty much daily since then. It was my sister that reminded me that this was my dad's newest watch, he'd got it for his birthday in February.

My mom, at a loss as to what to get him for his birthday, was grateful when my sister saw the watch at Kohl's and bought it for her to give my dad. It was a couple weeks belated though. (Dad's birthday being on the 3rd and it was the 15th when my sister brought the watch over) But when my mom said, "Dad, I finally have your birthday present." He came right over to see what it was. 

Excited, he had the watch immediately removed from it's package and pulled it onto his wrist. He looked it over, nodded and said, "Well, it was worth the wait." 

So now, when I look at my watch, I remember my parents. But not only that. I remember what he said that day. There are many things in life that are all the better simply because they are worth the wait. It's not easy to wait, and there are days when time seems to move all the more slowly because of the waiting. But my dad was right and when I remember that, it makes it a little bit easier.

And, my friend was kind enough to get my watch engraved for me for MY BIRTHDAY! 

Waiting for Superman

**Disclaimer: Hero is a term debated in the world today. I have hero's that I work with day in and day out. My parents were my hero's. So, just before I begin, in no way do I take away from the REAL hero's of this world so don't take any offence to anything I'm saying, PLEASE**

So lets get this straight. I love Superman. Through the years and decades, he, I think, has remained THE Superhero. Don't get me wrong. I'm not a hater of the other superhero's out there, I have my own Batman gear, and I won't say no to watching Avengers and all the related movies. But I find it hard to doubt that there is a more defining hero of the term 'Superhero' in the comic book world than Superman. 

There are several people who have asked me, "Why? Why are you so obsessed with Superman?" I thought about this long and hard, because while maybe it's a simple thing to explain, (after all, he IS Superman!) in my little heart, the answer is not so simple. 

I finally came up with this answer. (Flannery O'connor said, "I write to discover what I know." so please excuse the story format. It's how I figure out my own mind). 

     "Why are you so in love with Superman?" 

     "Because I've always wanted to marry someone just like Clark Kent." 

     "Not like Superman?" 

     "No, I don't think so. You see, Clark Kent is the perfectly human side of Superman. Put the secret keeping aside, he's in love with Lois Lane, he's a little nerdy and goofy, perhaps a little clumsy, but he protects her while at the same time he makes her feel like the hero. I want to love someone like that. He might look pretty imperfect to everyone else, but he will know that to me, he is Superman."

That might sound idealistic, but that's who I am. My Superman is out there, but maybe I just haven't learned enough to really see him. 

A couple years ago I stumbled upon this Poster on Pinterest. I absolutely adore it, in fact I bought it and have it hanging in my house. And it's my cell phone backdrop. 

Image Thanks to Entropy Trading Co Click Here! to get your own Poster!

First of all, I obviously love Superman, so just based on that, this poster won my heart. But there is so much more to it! Some people might say, "You forget, even Lois Lane couldn't see past the glasses to know that Clark Kent was the superhero she loved." 

Maybe that's true, but eventually, she figured it out. She had to learn to look past the glasses and every other wall that Clark had built up in order to see him for who he really was. Clark Kent was always the disguise, not the reality, but Lois just had to learn to see it. That's not so far from how it is today. I've learned this past year, that if you can learn to look past the walls and then really believe in someone, they can become your Superman. 

I titled this post, "Waiting for Superman" because that is totally my song. (It's by Daughtry, Look it up!) I read something that Chris Daughtry said about this song, "For me, I think it means waiting for that person to step up and be what you need them to be-whatever that may be, in that particular moment." And I totally agree. But I'd add my two cents and say that it means stepping up and being that person, and also allowing someone to be that person. I know I'm at fault when I say that I do too much waiting and not enough allowing, but it's something I'm working on. I'm working on seeing past the 'glasses' and I'm learning to look for what is really right for me. 

It's hard. You know, I know that you do. But you're doing better than you think. And so am I

And...if you've been able to untangle any thoughts from this mix matched post, I'd love to hear them! 

 

She Said I Think I'll Go to Boston

It was sometime around 8 years ago that I first heard the Augustana song, Boston. It struck a cord with me from the first listen and it's the top hit on the soundtrack of my life. There are some people who ask about it, why it's that song. I'm sure I've sidestepped the question with a million reasons, but I think this is the one.

"...She said, you don't know me, you don't even care. She said, you don't know me, and you don't wear my chains." 

You see, the song is about a girl. I imagine her quiet, probably more introverted that extroverted. She's not one to open up or trust others with her thoughts or her problems. She has an image, being aloof, but not rude or unkind. Just distant from people, unable to open up to them. She's been through something, or maybe many things that have hurt her, she's sick of being defined by those things. She's tired of putting on a brave face and sick of people trying to tell her how to feel and how to heal.

So...

"She said I think I'll go to Boston. I think I'll start a new life, I think I'll start it over, where no one knows my name, I'll get out of California, I'm tired of the weather, I think I'll get a lover and fly him out to Spain. Oh yeah, and I think I'll go to Boston.I think that I'm just tired. I think I need a new town, to leave this all behind...I think I need a sunrise, I'm tired of the sunset. I hear it's nice in the Summer, some snow would be nice..." 

From the moment I heard those lyrics, I knew I would someday go to Boston. It's inevitable, and it's a dream that I've held for eight years. Maybe you'll think it's silly, but I bet if you think about it, you've got one of those silly dreams too. You can't define it, but it's there and it is sometimes your driving force.

For eight years, I've been unable to get to Boston. I had a friend living there for a few years, and tried unsuccessfully for those years to get out and visit her. Even last fall, I had plane tickets ready to book, but it just didn't work out.

I think it would be unfair to all parties involved to say I put a lot of dreams on hold the past five years. But I have. I don't regret it though. I regret forgetting those dreams though. It's one thing to pack dreams away for a time while you deal with the things that you have to. It's another thing to forget those dreams. I forgot a lot of my dreams, which was a choice that I made, not one forced on me. However, Boston never got forgotten.

That's why, when this year, both my mom and my dad, who I have cared for during the past five years, passed away rather suddenly and unexpectedly over a three month span of time, I felt totally lost. I not only lost my parents, but my home and a sense of security.

But I have a best friend, and although I've never expressed it to her in too many words, she knew that I would need to go to Boston when things settled down. I almost didn't. The realization that Boston was my only dream left weighed on me and forced me to realize that I have to dream new dreams.

But last month, we went, four of us ended up going. It was a great time, we saw a million and one things, and experienced so many awesome things. But I did not fall in love with Boston as I had hoped too. It was a direct answer that it isn't where I'm supposed to be right now.

However...I do think that I could change the name in the song, from Boston, to maybe somewhere else. As soon as I figure out where that somewhere else might be.

Chariots of Fire

Growing up, this girl was my best friend, pretty much my sister. She's my niece, and 18 months younger than me. That beautiful baby is her 9 month old daughter: 

Three Weeks ago, she was diagnosed with Hodgkin Lymphoma, she's days away from her second Chemotherapy treatment. Last week, in talking to her, she told me of an experience she had. In a dream, she woke up in the Spirit World and she was sure she had passed on. As she looked around, her grandpa, my dad, walked over to her with a huge smile on his face. He put his arm around her and gave her a side hug, he never said a word, just smiled. She said, it scared me at first because it made me think I was going to die. But then I realized that it was meant to give me comfort. It was meant to let me know that there are people on the other side that are looking out for me as well as people here.

Although this was her experience and not mine, it was very powerful for me for two reasons. The first reason was the fact that it was my dad to come to her. Why you ask? This girl has had four grandparents die in the space of 18 months. Three of them die in the last five months. And I think there is a reason that my dad was the one to represent all of those loved ones to my niece: 

Mainly because at the time of his death in April, he hadn't walked in over 25 years. In her dream, he walked to her and put his arm around her. It demonstrates that after this life, we are made whole because of Jesus Christ. He wanted her to see that no matter the consequence of the cancer on her body, she will one day also be made whole.  

The other thing I wanted to address from this experience is that there are people on the other side cheering for us. I thought instantly of this quote by Elder Jeffery R. Holland: "Fear not: for they that be with us are more than they that be with them. And Elisha prayed, and said, Lord, I pray thee, open his eyes, that he may see. And the Lord opened the eyes of the young man; and he saw: and, behold, the mountain was full of horses and chariots of fire round about Elisha" (2 Kings 6:16-17).

In the gospel of Jesus Christ you have help from both sides of the veil, and you must never forget that. When disappointment and discouragement strike--and they will--you remember and never forget that if our eyes could be opened we would see horses and chariots of fire as far as the eye can see riding at reckless speed to come to our protection. They will always be there, these armies of heaven, in defense of Abraham's seed.” 

 I'm grateful to know that truth, as two of those grandparents in the spirit world are my parents, I miss them so much but I know that they are there, that they care and that they will always come to my aid and my defense. 

Not Fair

Somewhere, somehow, in those first year of our life, we come up with a concept that life should be 'Fair'. So let me put this out there, what exactly does 'fair' mean? Does it mean equality? Justice? Mercy? In a family, doesn't it mean each sibling gets treated exactly the same? Does it mean that the good and the bad should be handed out equally, without individual reguard?

Whatever it means, it teaches us that we should expect to have the exact same, or at least not less then another person. If they get a piece of cake, we get a piece of cake. It doesn't matter if we ate our dinner. You know what I mean, right? 

I remember reading 'The Princess Bride' in High School, and a quote from the book says, "Life is not fair. It's just fairer than death. That's all." But even then, I still didn't fully understand the fact that life is not fair.

I went on a mission to California for 18 months, I met people who had everything they could ever want, and I met people who lived the smallest of homes and had so split rent between three different families to afford living there. That doesn't seem fair, but still, I believed that fairness had to exist out there. 

This year, I learned that life is not fair. I've been ejected out of my comfort zone and into the line of fire, the line of decision, the line of action. In my mind, that is not fair.

Yesterday, as I sat in church, thinking about this year and what I have learned, I had a thought come to me. I hope you'll understand it, take it at face value and chew it around in your mind until you can make your own sort of sense out of it. 

My thought was this: This year I have thought and prayed, "Heavenly Father, this isn't fair!" And every time I expressed this, in thought, in writing, in prayer, the thought and answer has come back to me from my Heavenly Father, "I know. I know that it is not fair, but it will be okay." -and although that doesn't seem like much of an answer. I can accept that far better than any other answer that people have tried to give me. It's so validating to have someone recognize that IT IS NOT FAIR. And once that has been acknowledged, I'm better able to listen to what I need to hear. I'm not blaming God for all the trials I have this year, and I know that he is not punishing me for the mistakes I have made. I'm just learning and growing and that is what I am supposed to do. And He is there to bind up wounds and keep me safe. 

I know that is true. In Preach My Gospel, in teaching of the atonement it says: "As we rely on the Atonement of Jesus Christ, He an help us endure our trials, sicknesses, and pain. We can be filled with joy, peace, and consolation. All that is unfair about life can be made right through the Atonement of Jesus Christ." 

Life is not fair, it's time that we get that thought out of our head. What we want and what we need are sometimes things and experiences so vastly different than we think, but we can't learn because we can't see past the unfairness of it. So I'll challenge you, when you think something you're going through is not fair, I want you to get down on your knees and tell God just that. "Father, this is not fair." and I am sure that He will agree with you and that as you continue to turn to Him, He will help you realize what you need to learn.