Exceedingly Great Faith - Alma 13:3

I had just a few weeks left in my mission when this scripture (Alma 13:3) wormed it's way into my thoughts, my study and probably my teaching as well. If you get a chance to read it, do! It talks about the great war in Heaven before we came here and how the war was won.

It was Brother Carpenter, the father of a family we were really close to, who first asked me the question that made me look at this scripture so differently. The scripture talks about the 'exceedingly great faith' of those who fought on the Lord's side. Brother C. asked me, "What did they have faith in? How can they have exceedingly great faith in God and in Jesus Christ when they were living with them? They were taught by their presence. So, what does it mean in this scripture that they had exceedingly great faith?"

This question made me think. It made me study and research. I wanted to find an answer for Brother Carpenter. In the end, I came up with a few reasons.

This is what I think it meant to have "exceedingly great faith" in the context of those living with God before they came to this early life.

There were two plans presented in Heaven, there was God's Plan, the Plan of Happiness that centered on Christ and his Atonement for all mankind. His plan was also based on our agency, our ability to withstand the trials and temptations of this world and to make the right choices. To repent when we made mistakes and to accept Christ and his gospel in this life.  The other plan was presented by Lucifer, it was a plan that he said would ensure that every single one of God's children would make it back. There would be no agency, there would be no choice. All of God's children had to make a choice right then and there as to which plan they would support. Two-thirds of those children chose God's plan and those two-thirds are here on this earth. Those two-thirds are those who exercised our great faith. But HOW?

There are three things I came up with:

1. We had faith in our Heavenly Father that his plan was the right one for us. We had faith that agency was the only way we could learn and make our own choices-even our own mistakes. We had faith that his proposed plan was the only way that we could become more like Him-which is what we really, really wanted.

2. Once we had faith in the plan, we then had to have faith in Jesus Christ, our older brother. We had to have faith that he would fulfill His earthly mission. He would come to earth, he would be sinless though tempted, he would teach and minister, he would suffer for our sins and all our hardships on earth, he would die for us, and then He would be resurrected so that all of us could one day be resurrected. We had to have exceedingly great Faith that he would be able to do all of that because of his eternal, and unsurpassing love for each of us.  

But again, although there was a war in heaven over this decision, we were there and we saw and were taught the Father's Plan by the Father! We saw, and we knew of Christ's love for each of us! We still exercised our faith and choose the plan, but there is one more thing that we had to have faith in.

3. We had to have exceedingly great faith in OURSELVES. The plan in opposition the plan of happiness said that every person would make it back to live with God. That sounds very easy.

But we had heard the Father's plan, we had faith that he was right. We heard Jesus say he would go and be our Savior, we had faith in him. That final and maybe most hardest part to accept was to accept that we would have to go down to earth, away from our Father, and we would have to make choices, face temptation and trials, and make the right choices that would get us back to God. We had to have faith that we could do it. We had to look inside ourselves and ask if we could do it, if we could make all the right decisions, if we could give our will to the Father so that he could make us into the person that He knows we truly are. We had to exercise 'Exceedingly Great Faith' in ourselves.

But guess what? You did that. I did that. Because you and I are here, I know that we had Faith that we could do it. 

Sometimes, I forget that. Sometimes, life is hard. But then, luckily I'm surrounded by people who remind me that I am a Child of God and that He loves me, and He also has Faith in me. That makes a big difference. Whenever I come to this scripture in my study of the Book of Mormon, I'm reminded of Brother Carpenter and his question, and I'm lucky that he asked it and that it stuck with me. And just when things start to get stormy in life, sometimes Heavenly Father reminds me of this scripture. He did that this past weekend and I'm grateful for his constant love for me.

I know that sometimes I get caught up in everything going on around me, but there is so much more to life and to eternity than what is just right here surrounding you. There is so much more to the Plan of Happiness that we don't understand yet. But it is a plan of Happiness. So if you're not happy right now, remember that you can be and that it will all be okay. 

Going Places?

Maybe it was about a year or so ago when a good friend printed this quote off for me. She told me that I shouldn't be offended, (And I totally wasn't) but she thought that it totally summed up me. I related to it instantly, and it's on my computer backdrop, reminding me that I'm not stuck, I just don't know yet where I belong.

I had an amazing opportunity this past week, one of my goals is to be able to buy a house with my inheritance. As family, we're waiting on my parents house to sell, so I have been looking into real estate, but I haven't been too serious as we're waiting for the family house to sell first.

However, while looking at some listings, I found a house that I really wanted to see. I called my agent (my awesome sister in law) and told her I wanted to see the house. I then called my best friend and told her we were going to look at this house. I'll tell you, I'm looking for a house where I can have an apartment in the basement, that would be my first draw. This house that I was looking at had been converted into two legal apartments, so I guess you could classify it as a duplex. It had its issues, but all in all, it had pretty much everything on my 'must have' lists.

I went home stressed out because decisions stress me out.  And they make me cold. (It doesn't help that my houses current average temperature is about 51*)

The next morning my sister in law called and asked me what I thought because the other agent had called and someone else was putting in an offer that day on the house. I wasn't ready to make a decision, but I really liked that little house. I decided to move forward and see what happened.

It was a day of ups and downs, I'll tell you that. The house is only about a half hour from where I currently live and work, but I knew that if I bought it and moved, my life would be drastically altered. (Again this year) But I had to see what would happen. Finally about 6:30 that night things fell apart and it became evident that I wasn't going to be able to get the house right now. That's fine, and I know it will work out.

But holy cow, so much madness!

I honestly don't know where I'm going, or when...but I'm learning that maybe that's okay. Maybe that means I'm staying here a little longer, learning some things right here. And something so perfect will happen and I'll know why this whole thing didn't work out.

But it wasn't inaction on my part.

You see, I'm a very patient person. I would much rather wait and see what happens than go and make things happen. Maybe that's my fatal flaw. (I read Percy Jackson too) In fact, this week I listened to a BYU Devotional where the speaker talked about when patience becomes our weakness. Maybe that was some of the reason I decided to just to go for it and see what happened. And nothing bad happened! I had to face my feelings, my fears, and I got a little disappointed at the end of the day, but that's nothing I can't handle. So maybe that was the lesson I needed to learn. I can move ahead and see what happens, I can make decisions and I'll be watched out for.

I'm going to try to start working on that a little more. 

A Grief Observed

I saw this on pinterest and it struck my heart. In my 28 years, I admit I haven't had a lot of grief, for which I am grateful. But this past few months losing my mom and dad was just really, really hard. And in those moments, I realized the truth behind the words C.S. Lewis wrote.

I'm sure that there are different feelings of grief for anyone, but for me, this hit it right on the head and I'm going to come back to it. But first, let me set this up.

I made it my goal to take care of my parents, it just felt like what I was supposed to do. When I decided that, I didn't know what the future held for my parents or for myself. I remember there were times when my dad told me not to worry about them, and I know he worried that I was giving things up to be with them.

But on the days when it felt hard, I remembered a quote that I heard on my once favorite TV Show Smallville. I'll be honest, I cried when I heard it. In the particular episode, the young Clark Kent has decided not to go away to school, but to go to a local school and live at home to help his father on the farm in Smallville. His father is pretty upset with him for decision and says, "Clark, I just don't want you sacrificing your potential because of me." and Clark looks at his father and says, "Dad, it's not a sacrifice, it's a choice." I can recall mirror conversations just like this held with my dad. And I'm not saying this because I want praise for my choice, but simply I want to put out there, it was a choice. And when you make a choice, you should always be able to go back and ask yourself why you made that choice, if the reasons are still there, your choice should still stand. And my reasons were always there, and that is why I stayed.

The amount of help I gave to my parents varied on any given day, I still had a mostly full time job, I still had a social life, and I had a great apartment in my parents basement. That all changed in a matter of a few months this year. I don't think many people realize the amount of changes I've had this year, it's easy to forget when you aren't the one experiencing those changes. Besides losing my parents, the smaller and yet still life changing things have included a move in my job location and a move to a new place to live. It's safe to say, the ground has felt a little shaky under my feet for several months now, especially with the big, "What's Next?" question looming overhead.

That question leads me back to that fear. And the grief.

I was talking to a friend who said to me, "You can do anything you want now!" And she's right. I have a freedom now to do the things I always thought about doing but never felt I could fit in before. But there is that fear. Because as I thought about her words, I said to her, "I know you're right. But the hardest part to overcome is the feeling that if I try and fail, I won't have that security of coming home again. I won't have those two people who never really let me fail before. Because if I fell, they were there to pick me up."

To me, that is the fear in grief. I know with all my heart that my mom and dad are far better off where they are now then where they were just a few months ago. I know that I will see them again. But I have realized that all in all, grief is a selfish emotion because you miss that person in your life so much. Grief is wanting them back to fill that hole in your heart that won't ever really go away. And fear is that you don't know where you belong anymore, your world is altered and shaken up as to be unrecognizable and it's hard to want to pick up the pieces."

I think I have started too though. Try to piece back together what my parents always wanted for me to be.

"No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear. I am not afraid, but the sensation is like being afraid. The same fluttering in the stomach, the same restlessness, the yawning. I keep on swallowing. And other times it feels like being midly drunk, or concussed. There is a sort of invisible blanket between the world and me. I find it hard to take in what anyone says. Or perhaps, hard to want to take in what anyone says. It is so uninteresting." C.S. Lewis 

June 2013-Strawberry Days Parade