I'm a people pleaser. It's just who I am and always have
been. I'm always worried about making everyone happy, and if someone isn't
happy, it must be my fault. That's something that I'm working on. My mom knew
this about me though, and whenever I talked to her about it, she would say,
"You can make all of the people happy some of the time, and you can make
some of the people happy all the time, but you can't make all of the people
happy all of the time." (did you figure that one out yet? Go ahead, read
it again, it took me five minutes to get the wording just how she would say it,
so read it again to make me happy I did.)
Have you heard of that thing called change? (Don't worry,
I'll bring it all together in the end)
I hate change. But I also love it.
Weird? Maybe not.
Think about it. Change that is thrust upon us is hard, but
change that we control is usually exciting, even if it's hard. The thing about
Change though, is that sometimes, you don't know how you react until you have
to. It's easy to see how someone is dealing with a change in their life, and
think that you would handle it differently. So I'm going to tell you something,
there has been a lot of change in my life this past year. Here are just a few of those changes:
March 6, 2014-We took my mom to the emergency room thinking
she was having a stroke. A brain tumor was discovered and surgery was
scheduled.
March 28, 2014-Mom was given 6 to 8 weeks to live with her
cancer.
April 12, 2014-My dad passed away
June 14, 2014-My mom passed away
August 1, 2014-I moved to a new house
February, 2015-Parents house sold
March, 2015-Put an offer in on a house
April, 2015-Moved to a new house and a new city
In addition to these huge and difficult changes, the more
normal variety of changes-both good and bad- happened. Work changed-location, responsibilities,
co-workers-Relationships changed, babies were born, not having roommates,
having roommates, Sunday dinners are different, Holiday's are different. And
something that you don't really think about, futures are changed. Future plans
and events where I pictured my parents being, have to be re-imagined and
re-thought out.
Now, remember how I said: "It's easy to see how someone
is dealing with a change in their life, and think that you would handle it
differently." If you had told me on March 5th of 2014 that all those
things would have happened to me, I wouldn't have believed you. If you would
have asked, "if that happened, what would you do?" I would probably
tell you that I would fall apart, I wouldn't know what to do. And that's true
in some cases, I have many days where I feel like I don't know what I'm doing.
But the thing that I have learned, is that I am doing. Day by day, I am doing this life thing.
In the past year, I've met a lot of new people, (more
changes) and I don't often tell them what has happened in the past year. (Is that something you bring up when you meet people? Your past years events?) These changes in my life, they are not not the
first thing I break out for people to see about me. So of course, some things
get brought up. One person asked, "so I mean, your young, not married, why would you want to buy a
house?" to keep from having to get into that long story, I simply shrugged
and responded, "Well, I like to shop."
In answer to that, yes, I got an inheritance from my
parents. One thing that I decided to do was to buy a house with that money. I
figured, "I'll spend the money either way, on rent or on owning
something." and so I felt that it was the right decision for me to buy a
house.
I know that there are people I have known for a long time
who have felt like I haven't "Grieved like I'm supposed to." or even
that, "she doesn't act like she misses her parents at all." Things
like that bothered me. I'll be honest and tell you that it's bothered me a lot.
Remember, I'm a people pleaser and so things like that get to me far more
easily than I know they should.
My response? Like I said earlier, "I am doing."
I'm trying to live a life that I think my parents would be proud of. Why?
because I know they are watching. They are going to be there always and they
will be my family always. I still plan parties and do things with people
because they always liked to see me do those things. Do I miss them? Of course!
More than I can ever explain and to have people say that it seems like I don't
really hurts. There are moments of grieving that are private and should be that
way because it is a private grief. I have 6 siblings and each of them miss our
parents in a different way because our relationship to them was absolutely
individual. But we all miss them. I miss them very much and I think each day
brings a different aspect of that grief. There are days, even now that I want
to go home and tell them something that happened at work. And then I remember
they are gone, and then I can't believe that I'm still forgetting that they are
gone after what seems such a long time. And I grieve a little bit because of
that. But because I don't say it out loud
does not mean that it does not exist.
Before this last year, I was living in the basement
apartment at my parents home helping to take care of them. I liked to have
people over and we had fun there, so many good times. Someone said to me
recently, "I miss your basement." I gave them a half smile and said,
"yeah, me too." Perhaps to them that seemed silly to say, but in that
"me too." I meant so much more. Because having my basement would not
just mean a central place for people to gather and entertain. No, if I was
still in that basement it would mean that my parents were still here, and that
is what I miss.
Maybe it seems like I'm saying that I now know it all. Far
from it.
I have people in my life, those I know well and those I
don't know so well, who in the past year have experienced loss like mine. You
would think I know how to say something to them, but I don't. I think a big
part of that is because I have realized that no matter what I could say, I know
that nothing will really help them in their pain. But what I do know is this,
grief is individual. No one experiences it the same. There are five stages
according to science, but sometimes you go back a stage, skip two and go back
three. Then you 'finish' all five stages and then something happens and it
starts all over again.
This blog post might seem silly to you. But it's been bothering
me, it's been on my mind for so many weeks now and so here it is. Back to the
beginning. "You can make all of the people happy some of the time, and you
can make some of the people happy all the time, but you can't make all of the
people happy all of the time." I can't do it. I can't make everyone happy all
of the time, no matter how hard I try. So what writing this was about was
making me happy. Change is hard, but I am doing and I'm changing my life so
that I can learn and be happy from those changes that I've had happen.
That is what I am trying to do. I'm trying to live happy.
