A Grief Observed

I saw this on pinterest and it struck my heart. In my 28 years, I admit I haven't had a lot of grief, for which I am grateful. But this past few months losing my mom and dad was just really, really hard. And in those moments, I realized the truth behind the words C.S. Lewis wrote.

I'm sure that there are different feelings of grief for anyone, but for me, this hit it right on the head and I'm going to come back to it. But first, let me set this up.

I made it my goal to take care of my parents, it just felt like what I was supposed to do. When I decided that, I didn't know what the future held for my parents or for myself. I remember there were times when my dad told me not to worry about them, and I know he worried that I was giving things up to be with them.

But on the days when it felt hard, I remembered a quote that I heard on my once favorite TV Show Smallville. I'll be honest, I cried when I heard it. In the particular episode, the young Clark Kent has decided not to go away to school, but to go to a local school and live at home to help his father on the farm in Smallville. His father is pretty upset with him for decision and says, "Clark, I just don't want you sacrificing your potential because of me." and Clark looks at his father and says, "Dad, it's not a sacrifice, it's a choice." I can recall mirror conversations just like this held with my dad. And I'm not saying this because I want praise for my choice, but simply I want to put out there, it was a choice. And when you make a choice, you should always be able to go back and ask yourself why you made that choice, if the reasons are still there, your choice should still stand. And my reasons were always there, and that is why I stayed.

The amount of help I gave to my parents varied on any given day, I still had a mostly full time job, I still had a social life, and I had a great apartment in my parents basement. That all changed in a matter of a few months this year. I don't think many people realize the amount of changes I've had this year, it's easy to forget when you aren't the one experiencing those changes. Besides losing my parents, the smaller and yet still life changing things have included a move in my job location and a move to a new place to live. It's safe to say, the ground has felt a little shaky under my feet for several months now, especially with the big, "What's Next?" question looming overhead.

That question leads me back to that fear. And the grief.

I was talking to a friend who said to me, "You can do anything you want now!" And she's right. I have a freedom now to do the things I always thought about doing but never felt I could fit in before. But there is that fear. Because as I thought about her words, I said to her, "I know you're right. But the hardest part to overcome is the feeling that if I try and fail, I won't have that security of coming home again. I won't have those two people who never really let me fail before. Because if I fell, they were there to pick me up."

To me, that is the fear in grief. I know with all my heart that my mom and dad are far better off where they are now then where they were just a few months ago. I know that I will see them again. But I have realized that all in all, grief is a selfish emotion because you miss that person in your life so much. Grief is wanting them back to fill that hole in your heart that won't ever really go away. And fear is that you don't know where you belong anymore, your world is altered and shaken up as to be unrecognizable and it's hard to want to pick up the pieces."

I think I have started too though. Try to piece back together what my parents always wanted for me to be.

"No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear. I am not afraid, but the sensation is like being afraid. The same fluttering in the stomach, the same restlessness, the yawning. I keep on swallowing. And other times it feels like being midly drunk, or concussed. There is a sort of invisible blanket between the world and me. I find it hard to take in what anyone says. Or perhaps, hard to want to take in what anyone says. It is so uninteresting." C.S. Lewis 

June 2013-Strawberry Days Parade